enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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