I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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