dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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