I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
