There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
