Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize