i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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