Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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