She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
