you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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