just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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