FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize