There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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