I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize