I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
