I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
