you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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