Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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