Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Congratulations! We have a period
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