So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
