we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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