Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Everyone says I win the strip club
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
