i need an iv and a liver transplant
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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