The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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