does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
