we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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