there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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