some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I touched a dick in church today
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize