You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
