marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
