From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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