apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
