The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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