I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
