direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize