No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
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