He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
