I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
