Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
