Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize