I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
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