party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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