I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
