I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
