I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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