i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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