he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
