Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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