before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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