I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
