Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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