My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
