Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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