I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Randomize
