Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize