I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
