Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
