Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
