chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
