She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize