turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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