you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
