Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize