So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
