I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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