Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
