I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
