The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
