I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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